"Smoochy", 30,000-Year-Old Cell-Eating Monster Virus, “Waked Up” By Scientists

Pithovirus sibericum, reacts to being told all the insulting nicknames people have given it, since news of the poor virus's reawakening by mad scientists has gone—viral. The virus, which calls itself "Smoochy", has said it was clear that evolution had taken some seriously bad turns to produce such prejudiced people in the year 2014. Pope Francis blessed the big little bug and said it too would find a place in the redemption of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. To this, Smoochy replied "TRAVOLTA THAT!", the meaning of which remains unclear at this time.
Not thinking to just leave well enough alone, mad scientists decided to resurrect a long-frozen killer virus from Siberian permafrost. Why? Kicks apparently, although the official reason is claimed to be to see if it could happen "naturally", like down in Antarctica if all the ice melts off it or something.

The French and Russian scientists (who else?) assured everyone they “know” the monster virus, also declared a “zombie” virus”, the "Ichabod Crane"* virus, and other insulting things by web clowns, is "safe" and won’t hurt humans. Scientists in the past have also told us radiation is our friend, and cigarettes don’t cause cancer.
*—Yes, Ichabod Crane—obviously they confused that name for Rip Van Winkle.

The monster virus is being sent to live with “others of its kind”, previously discovered or unwisely waked up by other bored, antisocial nerds.

World leaders, even Vladimir “Pooty the Pirate” Putin, were uniform in asking one question of the scientists: “Haven’t you assholes ever seen Jurassic Park?”

An exception was President Barack Obama, who was found golfing with rich sports pals, and when asked about the giant bug, remarked, “You know I’m trying to line up a putt here guys. Don’t be so afraid of things you can’t see.”

Scientists from the Weyland Corporation were said to be interested in interviewing the monster-zombie-bad-thing virus for a possible position in their bio-weapons division.

"Life will find a way", a Weyland representative ominously offered, before scuttling off to talk to some colleagues from Skynet.